Math-Frolic Interview (of sorts) #39
Haven’t done an interview here for awhile so I thought, what could be more relevant and timely than an interview with our new incoming U.S. President, who we should all get to know better! So, as a public service, without further adieu:
1) Mr. President-elect (…and forgive me if I almost choke every time I say that), this is a math blog, so let me begin by asking what your background in mathematics was like?
Well, I can’t say I really ever attended much to math; I mean the whole numbers thing just never made much sense to me. Now if you put dollar signs in front of those numbers then I did like to play with them and move them around a bit, but in general I always wondered, “When, pray tell, will I, Donald J. Trump, ever use this?”
2) I see, well that’s actually something we still hear a lot from math students these days and there are ongoing efforts to improve math education throughout this country. Do you have any thoughts on current reforms?
Ahhh yes, I know it well, Common Crap as I call it; my own 10-yr.-old son brings home the goofiest problems you ever saw from this new flooozy math. Yes, I’ll be scrapping it immediately my first day in office. It’ll be a two-fer… ObamaCare & Common Crap into the trashbin together with a bigly bonfire. (And on Day 2, by the way, we'll crush ISIS.)
3) Uhh-huhh, well what do you propose to offer in its place, sir, because math education is increasingly important in today's world?
I’m a back-to-basics sorta guy… drills, LOTS of drills, speed drills, memory drills, test drills, drill drills, 6-7 hrs-a-day, exercise those little brains; maybe bring back Roman numerals too! And the slide rule, hey, whatever happened to the slide rule!?
4) Maybe we should move on to another topic. You’re a lifelong businessman, which is not the usual path to the American Presidency; in fact you’re the first person ever to win the presidency with no political or military experience. Care to comment?
Is America a GREAT country or what! …wait, no, er, uhh, I take that back, right now America is a rotten, stinkin' country because of that Kenyan dude, but I will make it GREAT again! Presidents are deal makers — that’s all! I’m a dealmaker extraordinaire, the best the world has ever seen… perfect match for the job. Soon the Chinese will be eating out of my big hands.
5) Some people say you don't have the temperament or thoughtfulness to be President. What do you say to them?
Eat my shorts, peasants!
6) What books have you found inspiring in your life?
well, truthfully I don’t read a lot… words are, you know, kinda boring and time-consuming, but I did always have a certain fondness for Grimm’s Fairy Tales.
7) Well then, maybe certain TV shows or movies have touched you?
oh yes, too many to mention, but including “Married With Children,” “Talladega Nights,” “West Wing,” and of course ANYthing with Jennifer Aniston in it.
8) Would you call yourself a deeply-religious man, and do you read the Bible much?
Let’s just say I’m truly a strong believer in begatting, as often and as long as possible.
9) You said you were going to “drain the swamp” in Washington, but you seem to be filling all key positions with standard, white, insider Washington old-timers?
10) People have been surprised though at some of the folks you’ve interviewed for positions; people who said verrrry harsh things about you (and you about them) on the campaign trail.
Well, frankly so many people are refusing to serve in my Administration that I have to reach to the bottom of the barrel to fill some slots.
11) Will you ever release your tax returns to the American public?
I promise that if I’m lucky enough to serve out four terms as your beloved President I WILL make my tax returns public to all. Next question...
12) When you’re not playing golf or counting gold coins what do you enjoy doing just for fun?
ohhh, gee so many things… but I can’t mention them on a family-oriented blog like this (the press would have a field day).
13) Lastly, anything else you'd want to say to an audience of math readers?
Just a kindly reminder to Keith Devlin and Ed Frenkel that I haven't ruled out waterboarding.
Well, President-elect (cough, hack, choke, arghhh…) it’s been a joy to chat with you today and get to know you a little better.
My pleasure, but next time let’s do this in a locker room somewhere, so I can give you the real answers.
And if you’re on Twitter and want to continue to follow the future of our new esteemed leader, I recommend you follow the #TheResistance hashtag.